Dear Lord You're Stupid!
by NarcissaVenus
Summary: Sirius Black is the sexiest boy at Hogwarts, even Dumbledore thinks so just kidding he is also one of the most popular. His girlfriend Kellan is pregnant. They really do have to deal with that. UPDATED!
1. First Things First

Ok this won't be crap I promise! Um I mean I hope.

Hogwarts,

October 27th, 1980

Two tall girls stood in their dorm room in front of the mirror. The one on the left had wavy platinum blonde hair and clear blue eyes. The one on the right had long straight black hair, brown eyes, and long eyelashes.

"Hey Sinead," said the girl on the right as she examined herself in the mirror.

"What?" asked the girl next to her.

"I think my boobs grew," she said. She flicked a piece of hair that was hanging into her face over her shoulder.

"Maybe, but you should ask Sirius. He looks at them enough, he would know." Said Sinead with a sly grin.

"Anyway, you can ask him after breakfast, ok Kellan?" she said.

The two girls walked down the spiral staircase leading to the Gryffindor common room. Once they were in the common room, they went over to their friend Lily Evans.

"Hey guys," she said. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah," said Kellan. "Come on."

They all walked out of the portrait hole together and down to The Great Hall for breakfast. At breakfast Kellan sat next to Sirius, as always. During breakfast they talked about transfiguration, and the assignment in charms that would be due on Tuesday.

After breakfast, Kellan didn't feel well so she went back to the common room with Sirius.

"Ugh, I think I'm going to throw up," said Kellan.

"You are looking a bit green," said Sirius. "Do you want to go up to the loo?"

"Yeah," she said. "Just wait here. I'll be back in a bit."

Kellan went up to the girl's loos in the dormitory. As she got to the door, a huge wave of sickness came over her and she ran over to the toilet as fast as she could.

When she was done being sick, Kellan went back down to the common room where Sirius was waiting for her alone on the couch.

"Do you want me to take you to the hospital wing?" asked Sirius.

"Sure, why not," said Kellan.

She and Sirius walked out of the common room and up to the hospital wing.


	2. Spin Around Upside Down

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Why is Everyone Here So Dumb!

Chapter Two,

Spin Around Upside Down

Kellan fought against nausea as she and Sirius walked down the hard stone steps of The Grand Staircase. The stairs were empty, but for the paintings moving in their frames on the wall. Their footsteps echoed in the magnificent stair well.

When they reached the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey the nurse took Kellan into the ward, leaving Sirius to wait outside.

"So Miss...?" asked the nurse, waiting for a reply.

"Oh, Jarvey," she said. "Kellan Jarvey."

"Right, Miss Jarvey. What seems to be the problem?" asked the nurse.

"Well, I've been feeling rather nauseated since I woke up." Answered Kellan.

"I see. Could you be constipated?" asked Madam Pomfrey.

Kellan shook her head.

"Did you eat something that didn't agree with you?" she asked.

Madam Pomfrey tried a number of different options, the flu, overtiredness, every thing. Each time, Kellan shook her head no.

"Have you ever been engaged in any sexual activities?" asked the nurse stiffly.

"Well, yeah." She said. "In late August."

"I see." Madam Pomfrey said again. "Could there be a chance that you might be pregnant?"

"Well, maybe. But I hadn't really thought of that." Said Kellan, thinking about it.

"Well, then I shall check and see," stiff again. Doesn't this lady ever loosen up?!?!

Madam Pomfrey flicked her wand at Kellan's stomach.

A moment later she said, "Yes. That's it. You're pregnant. About five weeks."

The world went upside down.

Spinning faster and faster, never stopping so Kellan could catch her breath.

She was pregnant.

Tears started streaming down her face, each a salty river to the floor. Kellan walked out of the ward, to where Sirius had been waiting.

He stood up as soon as she walked in. He wore a concerned and questioning expression. He opened his mouth to ask what the matter was, but Kellan put her hand over his lips and shook her head.

Silently, only the sounds of their footsteps echoing, they walked up to the Gryffindor Common Room.

Once they got through the portrait hole, Sirius sat down on one of the comfortable red sofas and beckoned Kellan over. She lay down on the couch with her head in his lap.

He stroked her hair away from her eyes, and whispered to her that it would be ok.

How was that then? Please review when you are done reading! 'Till next time,

Jordan!


	3. Not Actually Accepting the Extreemly Suc...

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Why is Everyone Here So Dumb?!?!

Chapter Three

Not Actually Accepting the Extremely Sucky

No. No possible way. She said to herself. She was not pregnant. There was no way that she could be. It was impossible. But as she lay there, head on Sirius' lap, the thought came to her that it may be a possibility. She quickly shoved that thought aside. No, it was not a possibility. She was not pregnant. It couldn't happen to her. No way, never to her.

Kellan thought back to that summer, in late august; Sirius' house was near hers, they both lived in London. It had been their 4th year anniversary. Sirius had asked her out the summer before second year started. This summer, he had come over the same day he had 4 years before.

They had gone into London. They had seen Madame Tsusad's wax museum, had gone on the London Eye. When they were done their romantic trip around London, they had gone shopping in Diagon Alley. That was where he had bought her a beautiful new black wand, as hers had accidentally snapped during finals the year before. It was ebony and cherry wood, 12 inches long, unicorn hair core. She loved it from the moment she touched it.

Even though he already had last years newest racing broom model, she bought him this year's international standard racing broom. He played beater on the Gryffindor quidditch team.

Both of their family's were very wealthy so money was no object to them. They would buy each other gifts married people wouldn't even get each other, they were that expensive.

After their shopping trip, they went back to the Leaky Cauldron for dinner. They stayed too late to go home in the dark, so they just rented a room; as I said, money was no object for them. They were both virgins. Even though they had been going out for 4 years, they had only ever gotten to making out with each other.

She wasn't on birth control, and they didn't have a condom. They weren't planning on needing one. It just had happened. The best thing was, not the sex; but waking up together, feeling so special and loved. She could remember that feeling like it had been yesterday, instead of a few months.

Kellan snapped back into the present, and what she had to do. She had to tell Sirius. It was his baby too; he needed to know about it.

She took a deep breath, and then prepared herself.

"Sirius," she said.

"Yes?" he asked.

"I'm not sick."

"What is it then?"

"I'm, pregnant," said Kellan after a long pause.

Whatever Sirius had been expecting, it wasn't this. Not this. He froze. The color drained out of his face, leaving him pale, and ghost like. His breathing got shallower, and quickened. He started to shiver. But he was sweating. Kellan reached up to wipe off his forehead. She flicked the dark hair that had fallen into his eyes, as it so often did.

The world went black.

So, how was that? Don't forget to review!!!


	4. Author's Note

Note29/03/2006 13:12:00

A/N:

Wow guys, I'm really sorry I haven't updated in so long, but I am now. I didn't really like how the original 4th chapter turned out, so I rewrote it and that's now posted as chapter five, which you can read if you press that little button at the top that says next! I'd love to have a beta if anyone wants to.

Jordan


	5. Waking Up on the Floor

Dear Lord You're Stupid! 29/03/2006 12:49:00

Dear Lord You're Stupid!

Chapter Four

Waking Up on the Floor

Sirius had fallen off the couch when he passed out. He lay on the floor of the common room, breathing regularly now, but still out cold.

Kellan sat next to him on the floor bending over him.

"Sirius," she said, softly in his ear. "Sirius, wake up." Shaking him gently she tried to wake him up, but he refused, point-blank to regain consciousness.

"Wake up!" Kellan finally said loudly near his ear.

His dark eyelashes fluttered. He opened his eyes a crack. Kellan looked into his eyes, cloudy gray, and full of misty fog. They were storms on the sea; you could almost feel thunder when he looked at you. Other times however, they were light and misty; just a warning of rain off in the distance. Look too long and you were under his spell.

"You were kidding," he said, his voice hoarse and groggy. "Right?"

A sad look came over Kellan's face as she shook her head, no.

Sirius' gray eyes widened, a look of childlike helplessness came over his face.

"Oh," he said.

Just 'Oh'. That's not how Kellan would describe it.

"How?" asked Sirius, his voice pleading; pleading for her to stop messing with his mind, and be serious. He asked, but he already knew.

"It was in August, wasn't it." He said. Not a question; just making sure of it.

Kellan nodded. She stood up and reached a hand down to help Sirius off the floor. He grabbed her hand, and she bent her knees as she lifted him up. They sat down on the couch, again.

Sirius just sat there, nodding his head. He looked as if he had just been sentenced to death, not fighting it, just accepting it; welcoming it, almost.

"I'm sorry." She said.

"It's my fault too." Replied Sirius.

He was wearing his red Gryffindor sweatshirt, it was his favourite; she had gotten it for him for Christmas the year before. It had golden yellow pieces of material on the front in the shape of letters, spelling out Gryffindor in all capitals.

He let out a large sigh, shaking his head.

"I can't deal with this, I don't know what to do. But I know you can't deal with this alone either. We are too young for this. Shit," He said, shaking his head.

"Well, do you want to keep the baby?" Kellan loved how Sirius asked it. He said, do you want to keep the baby, he called it the baby. If he had not wanted to keep it, he probably would have just said it instead of identifying it as a living thing. A tear rolled down Kellan's cheek.

"Yes, I want to keep it."

"Ok."

Sirius wrapped his arms around her and drew her close against his chest. They just sat on the couch like that for what seemed to be forever. Skipping all classes until dinner. At dinner, they went down to the dining hall.

Once they were in the dining hall, they walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down. Sitting near them were Lily, Sinead, James, Remus, and to Kellan's displeasure, Peter.

Peter Pettigrew was so pathetic, Kellan just hated him. He was stupid, annoying, very creepy, and there was something about him that Kellan just didn't trust.

Well guys, how was that? I know it's been… holy crud, it's been years since I last updated this story! I'm so sorry! I had no idea it had been that long. I made a few changes, and I don't know what to do now, so please give me some ideas! I would absolutely adore having a beta, so if anyone wants to, please!


	6. My Heart Goes Boom

Dear Lord You're Stupid

Chapter Five

My Heart Goes Boom

09090909

That night after dinner, James and Sirius decided to clear the Gryffindor common room of younger students so that they could have an exclusive and private party. The clearing of pip-squeeks was going quite well… until Lily came down and saw what they were doing of course.

"Sirius! James!" she shouted at them from the stairs as they herded the last of the first-years to their dorms. "What are you doing?"

James blushed, and sheepishly answered, "Well, we were going to have a party and we didn't want the younglings to be th-"

"Exposed," Sirius interrupted.

"I see. And who is coming to this party?" she asked.

"Um… Me, Sirius, Remus, You, Kellan, Sinead, and that's about it." James told her.

"What about Peter?" she asked.

Sirius crinkled his nose as James shook his head 'no.'

"Ok. Count me in for that party then," Lily said with a smile before turning back up the stairs to get Kellan and Sinead.

000

By the time Lily, Kellan, and Sinead had gotten "ready" for the small party and had gotten downstairs into the common room, Remus was already there and James had been to the kitchens and back. One of the tables was piled with food and the boys were stuffing their faces.

"Started without us have you?" Sinead asked. She walked over to the couch and sat down next to Remus.

"Where's Peter?" Kellan asked.

"Uninvited," Sirius said with a smile. Kellan smiled back and went over to sit next to him.

Lily rolled her eyes at her friends and finally gave in and sat down next to James who looked thrilled.

"So… what kind of party is this exactly?" Kellan asked. "Are we just supposed to sit here and eat or are we going to do something entertaining?"

"We should take our shoes off," Remus suggested.

"Why?" asked Sinead.

"Because, that would be an orgy," Sirius answered. James shrugged and removed his shoes, followed by Remus, and the rest of them took their shoes off too.

For the rest of the night, they chatted until Lily fell asleep on James, who stretched out on the couch and wrapped his arms around her before falling asleep as well.

Remus rolled his eyes and asked Sinead if she would like to join him for a walk. Where to he never said, but soon it was just Kellan and Sirius left alone, save for James and Lily who were sleeping, in the common room.

"So… do you want to go talk?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, sure."

They walked up to her dorm and she sat down on her bed. He sunk down next to her and put his arm around her shoulder.

"So… we're going to be parents," he said suddenly.

"Yup."

"Have you thought of anything to… name him or her?" Sirius asked. It was clear that despite his terror at being so young for fatherhood, he was excited.

"Not really. Have you?"

"Not yet."

They sat there in silence for a few moments, then they lay down on the bed and drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

000

The next morning, when Kellan woke up in Sirius' arms, she smiled sleepily at him and fell back to sleep.

After having missed two day's worth of classes, they were told by their head of house to report to Professor Dumbledore later that afternoon.

Until that time, they went to the Prefect's bathroom and took one of the baths that Lily was always ranting about.

09090909

Soo… what about it? Review please?


	7. For Whom The Bell Goes Ding

Dear Lord You're Stupid

For Whom The Bell Goes Ding

Dumbledore sighed and rested his chin on his linked fingers. The two students seated in front of him looked positively guilt ridden… well, in his presence; Sirius Black never could help but look guilty. Kellan Jarvey, on the other hand, was rarely in trouble.

"I understand you both have been missing classes lately. Why?" he asked.

Kellan and Sirius just turned and looked at one another before facing Dumbledore.

"Well, sir, Kellan is… well, she's pregnant, and we were just taking some time to adjust to that. Sorry." Sirius explained.

"And when is the child due?" Dumbledore asked, lifting his head up from his hands.

"Around the end of May," Kellan told him.

"I see… and you intend to keep this child?" he asked.

"Yes!" they both said at the same time, then embarrassed, looked at each other then back to Dumbledore.

"Well then… as long as it no longer inhibits your studies, I see no problem with it. Congratulations and good luck to you both. If you need my help at any time, feel free to speak with me."

They both breathed an internal sigh of relief before saying farewell to him and exiting his office. They walked back to the common room and sat down on a sofa.

"Names. Now." Said Sirius.

"Ok… so if it's a girl?" Kellan asked.

"Antigone?" Sirius suggested.

"Far too morbid, she was sealed alive in a cave for burring her brother."

"Oh. Um… Arachne?"

"She hung herself and was brought back as a spider. Definitely not."

"Atalanta. She wouldn't marry any man who could not beat her in a race, and I know who she was."

"It's pretty. What else?"

"Calypso, Lavinia, or Vega."

"Not Lavinia. And what is with all these, roman-esque names?"

"My name is Sirius and I have cousins names Narcissa and Bellatrix. What do you expect?"

"Good point. So, I was thinking, Eponine, Fantine, or Cossette. What do you think?"

"I think that we are not naming our daughter after characters from Les Miserables – and yes, I have read it."

"Fine. Vesper then."

"The James Bond one? And yes. I do read muggle books, obviously."

"No. Latin for evening."

"Maybe."

"What about for boys then?"

"Ok. What about Alexei, David, Isaiah, Jason, Jesse, or Andrick?"

"Those are cool… are they biblical?"

"Some of them are. I once got really bored and had nothing else to read, so I read the muggle's Christian bible. Now, yours?"

"Hector, Ajax, Perseus, Robin, Theseus, Aeneas, Casey, Davey, William, or John."

"Well… that was an eclectic list. Am I to assume you were going for heroes?"

"Erm… yes?"

"Ok…"

Soo that was a short one! But yeah, I've not written in forever. But it's a voting thing, so tell me which of the names you want. Thanks guys, review!


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